Whose fault is it?

Lately, I have been thinking about victims and offenders in certain situations. Don't we all rather like to see ourselves as victims? It is so much easier to blame someone else for things that go wrong in our lives. 

I mentioned this in several posts, I have never had a good relationship to my parents or to my brother, due to things happening that I have no words for.

There is this idea that in some cases it is not only the offender’s but also the victim’s fault because the victim lets it happen and doesn’t defend himself.

Let me explain. When I was a little child, I was rather shy. Actually that is an understatement.  I was very shy, I almost never talked to strangers, and in particular I avoided talking to adults. I think I was afraid of doing something wrong. I was also a compliant child, I did everything my parents asked me to do, although apparently often doing it wrong in their eyes.
My brother, in contrast, was quite revolting and whenever he didn’t get what he wanted, he created terror. Besides, he had a talent in lying and ingratiating himself with others, especially with our mother. As a result, it didn't matter much how I felt about certain decisions, which was kind of my own fault.
For instance, there were these humiliating situations my brother liked to spit on me, literally, just because he thought it was fun, or because he knew I didn't like it, or without any reason at all. My parents decided I had to endure this because they didn’t want to have troubles with him and I, on the other hand, didn’t cause so much trouble, so it was easier that way.
This was only a little prelude to things he later committed.

However, I remember exactly this one moment when again my mother decided it wouldn’t matter what I wanted because my brother wanted something else and all of a sudden my father said: Why does she always have to back down? This was the moment I decided he was right and I began to express my own opinions and to disagree with my mother. As a consequence, our relationship became even worse with every year that passed.

Anyway, I never really defended myself much when I was young, so I made it easy for my parents and my brother to take advantage of that. On the other hand, I was just a little child and all I tried to do was to make my parents love me or be proud of me.
But shouldn’t my parents have known better?

One thing that I also considered is, what if my brother was made the way he is now? Is it even his fault? Are maybe my parents responsible for the way he behaves? Was he taught to behave ruthless?

I consider that possible. Nonetheless, even though he might not have had the right education, he should know some basic things, he should know things like sexual abuse are wrong. Or can he have lost the ability to feel someone else's pain?

If someone was raised thinking that he can just take anything he wants without any consequences, is it his fault when he continues thinking that way once he is an adult?

It almost seems as if he is a victim.

So whose fault is it really? Who is to blame?

Is it the one who does something wrong? The ones that didn’t teach that person what is wrong? Or is it the one who didn’t defend himself or herself enough?

In my opinion, you can’t just make someone else responsible for your own decisions. Even if it might partly be my parents’ fault, even if they partially made my brother the way he is, you cannot blame them for everything he does. I mean, wouldn’t that result in going backwards more and more? What if my parents were treated badly as children? Was it then their parents’ fault?

At some point, you are responsible for your own actions and you cannot blame someone else for committing a crime. At some point, you just have to decide to leave the vicious circle, you have to know about your responsibility for your own actions. A difficult childhood is so often used as an excuse for behaving badly. In my opinion, it might sometimes explain some behaviors, but it doesn’t excuse them.  
Finally, at some point and in some cases, it might also be important to stop whining about your victimhood and start seeing yourself as an independent being.

Are you proud of your country?

While walking across the town I go to university, I can often see people with German flags or caps with the German flag on it, especially during summer time. Seeing these signs, you can be sure they are tourists. Germans don’t wear such things, except during the time of the World Cup. Actually, while the German football team plays, you can see flags everywhere, especially on cars, but these flags disappear as soon as the event is over.

I also observe the American elections. By doing this, and by studying and reading in general, I noticed that patriotism seems to play an important role in America and also in Great Britain. In fact, I think it is specifically important for Americans and, in contrary to Germany, it is considered as something absolutely positive and indespensable.

This is very different in Germany. Due to our past, we became extremely careful with things like national pride. Although these times are gone and most people who were living that time are dead, this has not changed. Most people don’t feel proud when they think of Germany and patriotic statements are always handled very critically. At the same time, there are people who say that this is all exaggerated and that Germany should start to feel something like national pride again, as long as it doesn’t convert into nationalism.
I am not really sure about what to think of all these discussions. On the one hand, our generation is not responsible for what happened during the National Socialism. On the other hand, it is definitely a good thing to be sensitive regarding these topics. It seems that Germany knows only extremes.

Should Germans develop patriotism again?

My personal point of view is the following. I don’t really feel proud of my country. It’s not that I don’t like it though. Nowadays, there are definitely a lot of positive things here. I mentioned that there are a lot of tourists in my university town and I must admit that it is a quite beautiful town, especially during summer. But I don’t really understand that concept of national pride.

In my opinion, to be proud of something, you have to achieve something or you must have had some influence on the thing you are proud of.  What exactly are people proud of when it comes to Germany?
Moreover, there have already been so many problems in this world because people somehow think their country is superior to others.  I do not understand why people keep thinking this. After all, they didn't even choose to be born in that country.
Maybe it is not bad to support the country you are living in by being proud of it, as long as this doesn't include debasing other countries.

So, although I like that town, I am not proud of it because there hasn’t been any contribution on my side. However, somehow it doesn't seem to be inappropriate when other people are proud of their country, it seems to be natural for other nations.
 

What do you think of patriotism?

Are you proud of your country? If so, why?

I would love to hear some other opinions and I am willing to change my mind, so please feel free to share your view.

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Recently, I stumbled upon this question.

It instantly made me remember a workshop at university concerning cultural differences. The teacher, a woman from England, who has already been travelling to a lot of countries doing her workshops, asked us the following question: If you knew your friend was driving way too fast with his car and the police asked you about it, would you lie and not reveal your friend’s fault? We all agreed we would in order to protect our friend, although he has been doing something wrong. Then she changed the question. It’s the same situation as before, but this time your friend killed someone because of driving too fast. This time, no one wanted to lie to the police.

Apparently, this is typical for Germans. The woman told us that whenever she asks this question in another country, there are usually a few people that would still cover up for their friends. In Germany, rules and laws are usually more important. In my opinion, you can’t reduce it all to cultural differences, but I think there is a tendency due to cultural backgrounds.

Anyway, should we put laws or allegiance to a friend on the first place? If you knew your friend was doing something wrong, would you cover up for him? And does it make a difference whether there are any bad consequences due to his behaviour?

So far to this question which isn’t exactly the same as the one in the headline.

Would you break the law to save a loved one? This is also a question we discussed at university and I remember the following problem. I think there is even a popular theory behind it, but I don’t really remember the name of it. It was about stages of moral development.

So, let’s say your wife/your husband is deathly sick and there is exactly one medicament that can save him/her. There is also only one pharmacist that sells this drug, BUT to a price that is absolutely exorbitant and way more than you can afford. There is no chance you will get this money soon enough. The only way to get the drug would be to steal it. Would you do it and why/why not?

Let me give you a few hints.

On a very easy basis, should you not steal it because you might get into prison or should you steal it because your wife/husband is an important person to you? Should you steal it regardless of the importance of this person to you, because we should always try to help others? Should you steal it because the right to life is more important than property right? Or should you act according to law, because after all it secures our all individual rights against those who disobey them? Or should you steal the drug because the dignity of human life is above all other values? Should you not steal it because theft should never be the basis for any universal rule of action (as in the categorical imperative according to Kant)?

Finally, in your opinion, is there a difference between what you should do and what you actually would do?

I would love to hear some opinions, thoughts, ideas or answers to any or all of these questions.

Does everyone deserve a second chance?

This is a topic I feel particularly insecure about.

I have always believed the answer should be yes.

I thought I wasn’t someone to be resentful or unforgiving. I thought I may not forget, but at least I can forgive. But now I am wondering if that is even possible.

Let me explain very briefly my personal relation to this topic before turning back to the question in general. A very important part of my life has been to become independent. This is what growing up means for me, amongst other things. Living my own life, making my own decisions. With regard to financial issues, I am not yet as autonomous as I wish to be, since this is not possible while going to university. But I do my best, constantly going to work during vacations and trying to earn a living.

Anyway, the reason why this is so important for me is that I was and am still having considerable problems with my family. I won’t go into further detail about that and I don’t want to complain, I just felt I should mention this, so that you might understand this particular issue here. In my opinion, family is one of the most important values in life and I am grateful for at least having one. But for some reason I never managed to get along with them, although fighting for their appreciation my entire childhood. But being totally honest, it is both their and my fault that it doesn’t get better today.

My whole life I regretted wholeheartedly not being able to change my familial relationship. But now that it might be my turn to do so, I don’t know how to.
This results in some questions.
 

How does one forgive?

After having experienced physical, sexual or mental violence, is it really possible to forgive the associated person? Should you even forgive?

On the one hand, I think there are cases where a second chance should not be given, even if only to protect yourself.
On the other hand, maybe past should be nothing more than it is, something that is gone. Maybe you should try to look forward to the future and try to forgive. Ultimately, this might serve your peace of mind.
A friend of mine once told me that for him it doesn’t matter what happened in the past and that he won’t judge others for what they did in former times. The only thing that matters is the present.

To err is human. Therefore, I believe that every one of us, including me, of course, has made some mistakes in his life. Don’t you think you deserved a second chance? After all, there must be an opportunity to learn from mistakes. There must be a chance to do it better in the future.

But is giving second chances without limitation possible and is it even desirable? A lot of people think that it depends on the gravity of a deed whether someone deserves a second chance or not. But doesn’t this somehow object to the concept of giving second chances?

Does everybody deserve a second chance, regardless of what he or she did? What about child abusers? I have heard of so many cases where such a person committed the same crime after getting out of prison. Couldn’t this have been prevented? Is the whole idea of giving second chances overrated? Is it even conformable to our society? But what would a society be without such concepts?

And what about third or fourth chances? In reality and for our everyday life, I think it isn’t really about chances, but about continuous opportunities we get and decisions we make.

Moreover, we often take it for granted to get second chances, we don’t even think about it until we are in the situation of having to give one. Isn’t this a bit selfish?

I would love to hear some opinions on this.

Quote of the week #2

Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.

Marcus Aurelius

I like this quote, since a lot of people don’t seem to recognize that there are different opinions on things they consider as a fact. I think it is always a good way to stay open-minded and to try to understand the other perspectives.

My aim is to post one quote every Sunday that somehow refers to the previous week. I also hope it inspires some people to think about the referred topic. 

Based on a controversy I had a few days ago, today’s topic is about opinions, or rather differences in opinions.

I was having a few arguments with a family member this week, who couldn’t accept me being of another opinion concerning an important topic; the details are not of importance here. Anyway, when I was talking to a friend about it, his advice was to just agree with this person in every point. He said, when I know I am right, all I should say is “OK”. When someone is telling you that the colour of the sky is green, don’t tell him it is blue. Just agree, because you know you are right and disagreeing would just cause troubles.  

I see his point, but nevertheless I had to contradict.
This is just my opinion, of course.

Anyway, who determines what is right and what is wrong? When it comes to laws the answer is obvious, but what about other issues? After all, the problem is that both persons having an argument are convinced of their opinion being the truth. Even if it is obvious that you are right, is it really? It doesn't seem to be for at least one person.

In any case, I think it doesn’t make it any better to agree with someone when you think he is wrong, because this lets him feel confirmed in his thinking. In the following, I am using “the sky is green” as a metaphor for topics that are of greater relevance.

A family or even a whole nation is not able to perform in a good way if their members are not allowed to express their point of view. Just imagine the government told you that the sky was green and nobody disagreed. Imagine you’d get into prison if you told them your opinion. I know that this is happening all over the world and I know that it did happen especially in Germany. But look at this country’s horrible past (I don’t have enough words to explain how terribly shocked I am every time I just imagine it) and you can see what this leads to. People must be allowed to give an opinion without getting punished for it. This is even a human right, which you can find in Germany’s Basic Law now.
Everybody has the right to advance his opinion, as long as it isn’t illegal or a violation of human rights.

Maybe I should have differed in a more accurate way between politics and families, but is there really such a great difference? Families do have their own rules, too. And I think since I am of full age, I should be allowed to say what I think without getting in trouble and without courting their resentment. Provided that I don’t hurt anyone with my opinion, which is certainly not my purpose.

Let’s say I am convinced that that the sky is blue and you are convinced of it being green. Why can’t we discuss it and if we still don’t agree in the end, we just accept the fact of being of another opinion? Wouldn’t this be a good way? And who knows, if you give me persuasive arguments, you might even persuade me to believe that the sky is green.

I am aware that all my above mentioned words are just another opinion. I am convinced by my opinion. However it may seem inconsistent to say that everybody should express his own opinion and that nothing is the truth, because isn’t this just an opinion, too? So what if someone doesn’t agree?

I think you should always consider your counterpart’s point of view. If he has a different one, you should accept this. And you should try to continuously rethink your own point of view. Because after all, is it really possible that you are always right? Maybe the sky is neither green nor blue but purple? Or does it have a different colour for every human being? At the same time, if we are convinced by our opinion, we should definitely defend it using good arguments. After all, what kind of world would this be without opinions and people standing up for them?

But should we really agree on everything someone says in order to avoid a conflict? Can this really be a good solution?

In my opinion, it isn’t.

If you disagree about any of these thoughts, please feel free to tell me. I am always happy to broaden my mind.