Believing Your Own Lies

We all know that there are people who lie. But there are also people who lie to themselves and who seem to believe themselves.

Are people actually able to convince themselves of their own lies?

Do some people really talk themselves into believing their imaginary stories? Do they even realise anymore that they are lying?

This is a phenomenon that I could often observe with regard to certain people. A person that called me a few days ago told me about what a colleague of hers has done and that she thinks it is terrible. What is remarkable is that this person had done the same thing in an even worse extent over a long period of time. I didn’t know what to say. After all, she should have known I remember what she had done, so normally she wouldn’t mention similar behaviours of others in order to not draw attention to it. The only explanation is that she decided to pretend it never happened and not just in front of others but for herself.

It seems to me that some people actually succeed in talking themselves into believing that their own false behaviour never happened. It is astonishing what humans are capable of. I was aware of the fact that this person tells a lot of lies and tries to convince others of them but so far I have never realised she does actually believe them herself. This does explain some things, it makes me understand things I have never understood before.

What I am not sure about though is whether this is a sign of some serious mental disorder or whether we all do that to a certain extent.

I think sometimes people try to repress bad memories, which is perfectly understandable in some cases. However, is it still normal to behave like any false behaviour on your side  has never existed and to actually believe it?

What is even more extreme is that there are people who build up a whole world of lies. In school, one of my friends told me about a classmate that had made up his own successful band, lots of friends and a girlfriend and that he openly talked about them all the time and that apparently he told everyone how popular, rich and good-looking they all were, in addition to a lot of other rather unbelievable stories. I believe that you shouldn’t judge someone without even knowing him, so I told my friend that it might indeed be only due to unfavourable circumstances that no one had ever seen these friends, band, or girlfriend. However, I got to meet that person and at some point it became impossible to deny that something was obviously wrong with his stories (this is an understatement). No one was sure whether he believed in his own lies. In my opinion, at some point he had started to believe that his stories were true.
He has built up his own imaginary world. 

Sometimes we talk ourselves into believing certain things because we want them to be true.

Some children even have imaginary friends and you wouldn’t consider that as lying.

But where is the cross point between lying and having your own view of the world? If you believe your own lies, are you telling the truth? There is this quote that I mentioned in a post in the beginning of my blogging days: Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.

Don’t we all have our own views and opinions about who we are and how the world looks like? And if we don’t actively think about it, we think that this is how the world actually looks like. But what if it does in fact look completely different for everyone else? And I am sure it does.

So do we actually all live in our own imaginary world?

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Recently, I stumbled upon this question.

It instantly made me remember a workshop at university concerning cultural differences. The teacher, a woman from England, who has already been travelling to a lot of countries doing her workshops, asked us the following question: If you knew your friend was driving way too fast with his car and the police asked you about it, would you lie and not reveal your friend’s fault? We all agreed we would in order to protect our friend, although he has been doing something wrong. Then she changed the question. It’s the same situation as before, but this time your friend killed someone because of driving too fast. This time, no one wanted to lie to the police.

Apparently, this is typical for Germans. The woman told us that whenever she asks this question in another country, there are usually a few people that would still cover up for their friends. In Germany, rules and laws are usually more important. In my opinion, you can’t reduce it all to cultural differences, but I think there is a tendency due to cultural backgrounds.

Anyway, should we put laws or allegiance to a friend on the first place? If you knew your friend was doing something wrong, would you cover up for him? And does it make a difference whether there are any bad consequences due to his behaviour?

So far to this question which isn’t exactly the same as the one in the headline.

Would you break the law to save a loved one? This is also a question we discussed at university and I remember the following problem. I think there is even a popular theory behind it, but I don’t really remember the name of it. It was about stages of moral development.

So, let’s say your wife/your husband is deathly sick and there is exactly one medicament that can save him/her. There is also only one pharmacist that sells this drug, BUT to a price that is absolutely exorbitant and way more than you can afford. There is no chance you will get this money soon enough. The only way to get the drug would be to steal it. Would you do it and why/why not?

Let me give you a few hints.

On a very easy basis, should you not steal it because you might get into prison or should you steal it because your wife/husband is an important person to you? Should you steal it regardless of the importance of this person to you, because we should always try to help others? Should you steal it because the right to life is more important than property right? Or should you act according to law, because after all it secures our all individual rights against those who disobey them? Or should you steal the drug because the dignity of human life is above all other values? Should you not steal it because theft should never be the basis for any universal rule of action (as in the categorical imperative according to Kant)?

Finally, in your opinion, is there a difference between what you should do and what you actually would do?

I would love to hear some opinions, thoughts, ideas or answers to any or all of these questions.

Quote of the week #5

There is beauty in truth, even if it's painful. Those who lie, twist life so that it looks tasty to the lazy, brilliant to the ignorant, and powerful to the weak. But lies only strengthen our defects. They don't teach anything, help anything, fix anything or cure anything. Nor do they develop one's character, one's mind, one's heart or one's soul.

José N. Harris

What is it that we are all lying, all the time? I don’t want to make an exception for myself here, all I say is that I am trying to avoid lies, but I am sure I have lied many times in my life, as we all have.  

It seems as if people want to be lied to, they enjoy the lies, it seems to me as if there was an unspoken agreement that says we should lie whenever it is possible.

We lie all the time, regardless of what we are talking about. We even lie to ourselves and sometimes we even believe these lies. It seems as if a lie becomes the truth, once it is told often enough.

I sincerely try to tell the truth, or rather I tell what I think to be the truth, as no one can ever be sure what the truth is. However, I have made the experience that the truth is not what people want to hear. Nonetheless, I believe in being honest, it is of value for me.

I really don’t want to say that I am better than anyone, I am not, but this is my point of view and I believe in it. I trust everyone until there is a reason that proves this person should not be trusted, I believe in the good in people and I believe that people tell me the truth, because I would tell them the truth, especially when it comes to friends. Maybe I am naïve, but then be it so. However, once I know about people telling me significant lies, it is hard for me to forgive, it is hard for me to trust them ever again. Honesty and confidence in someone belong together, I trust because I have faith in my friends, but once the honesty is lost, the faith is lost, too.

What is the point of inventing great stories about something that could be told in one little candid sentence? I understand that people do lie sometimes in order to not hurt someone. But if we are totally honest, most of the lies we tell are told because it’s easier than telling the truth, because it seems to be more comforting to ourselves.

First, there are those lies we all agree upon. It’s when someone asks you how you are and you tell him you are fine. You meet people in the street you have not seen for many years, you are both busy and you both agree silently that you do not want to hear of all the problems of the other person.

Then there are the big lies, lies that are told because it is easier to tell them, because we just don’t want to tell the truth, lies told in order to intentionally deceive someone. Lies that we tell because we want to appear better, greater, more successful than we are.  Those are the lies some people even seem to believe for themselves. Besides, there are also lies that are created to make people believe in something that doesn’t exist and the creator knows about their falseness but tells them anyway, lies that are told in order to achieve something, lies that can even be told to a whole state.

Finally, there are even false statements that are told for no apparent reason. They are absolutely unnecessary and they are the reason making me believe that we are all just big liars, that we enjoy the untruth. Why do we tell these lies? Is it because we are afraid of being hurt if we were totally honest? Do we even recognize anymore that we are being dishonest? Is there really an unspoken agreement in not telling the truth? Why can’t we all try to be honest?

Children - between cruelty and honesty

A lot of people say that children can be extremely cruel. Indeed, it is a terrible thing when children are bullying one another. Often there is one child that is “different” and therefore it is being bullied. I think these bullies don’t even know what harm they inflict upon their victim. These children may be marked for the rest of their lives.  
But who should we blame? Is it the parents’ fault, because they have failed in their education? Is it society’s fault? Or is there no one else to blame but the children?

I do not know the answer to that question.

At the same time, children are usually such honest little beings. I have assisted as a coach for some years and I have made so many wonderful experiences there. You soon learn that you are not only the children’s coach, but also their attachment figure, their role model, their friend and sometimes even their psychologist. They tell you about school, their family, their friends, their problems and what makes them happy. It is amazing how much responsibility you already have for them, although just seeing them at most once or twice a week for two hours.

Of course, you need to keep some distance though.

Even their parents talk to you about their children’s problems and want some advice. Considering that I am not a mother and that I had so many problems with my own family, it was actually a strange thing to do.

Do you know that big, sincere happy smile that only a child can give you? And do you know these things only children seem to recognize? There were actually two children that told me I had pretty teeth. Who looks at the teeth of another person? Moreover, I think my teeth are just very ordinary. But it made me laugh, it was such a sweet compliment. I particularly appreciate compliments from children, because they usually just say what they see and you can be sure that they don’t tell you because they expect something in return.

I moved away from my home town a year ago, so I wasn’t able to coach them anymore. I had to promise to visit them regularly and one little girl even cried. It touched my heart, they were so sweet.

Can there be anything more heart-warming than little children that are all excited and happy, just because you visit them? They are lovely little creatures.

Anyway, what I wanted to get at is that children are often so much more honest than adults. But at the same time they can be so cruel. But are they really? Aren’t adults crueler sometimes? There are so much terrible things in this world that only adults are able to commit. Children are extremely straightforward and just tell what is in their mind, which can be a good but also a bad thing. In contrast, adults can be very furtive, which isn’t a good thing either, or is it worse?

On the other hand, when I don’t like someone I try to avoid him but not to bully him. That is maybe something that only adults do.

So are they cruel or just honest? Or are they both? And what about us? Are we better, after all?